


you look in the mirror and hate what you see

by sunsetdawn20



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Established Relationship, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:42:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24032212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetdawn20/pseuds/sunsetdawn20
Summary: Change is always painful. He knew that, accepted that a long time ago, but he wasn’t entirely prepared for the extent of the pain he was letting in.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7
Collections: Bite Sized Bits of Fic from 2015, Bite Sized Bits of Fic from 2020





	you look in the mirror and hate what you see

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tigriswolf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigriswolf/gifts).



> Comment_fic fill. To (hopefully) bring some joy to the recipients my challenge to myself is to fill one prompt each day from the same day five years ago. Today's prompt is: "Avengers movieverse, Bucky Barnes + Winter Soldier, you look in the mirror and hate what you see" from May 6 2015

**_ you look in the mirror and hate what you see _ **

_Change is always painful. He knew that, accepted that a long time ago, but he wasn’t entirely prepared for the extent of the pain he was letting in._

_At first it was just a feeling, that day on the bridge. An unsettling ache that was deeper than bruised ribs. And later, falling from the skies. Even worse at the museum, watching that man smile like all the tomorrows are his for the taking. That man who had been brave and loyal and had wanted to save the world. That man with all that life and love glowing in his eyes. Bucky Barnes._

_It’s been seventeen months and Bucky Barnes’ memories are taking more and more solid shapes inside his mind – faces, bits of conversations, thoughts._

_Bucky Barnes was someone who would walk through fire for the people he loved and he did. He was someone who loved coffee in the morning and dancing with smiling women till late at night. He was an excellent soldier but hated nothing more than war, he believed in peace and unlike his best friend never truly realized that peace cannot be found, only made._

_Some days he wants to reach back to that smiling man and shake him so he’ll understand what the world is truly like. The way Steve Rogers did. Does._

_Bucky Barnes’ memories are full with Steve Rogers and they hurt as much as they comfort, and for the most part he tries to spend as little time with those memories as possible. They’re complicated in a way he cannot entirely comprehend yet and that terrifies him in a way nothing has in decades._

Bucky wakes with a sudden start and finds his metal hand clenched into a shaking fist. His breathing is fast and uneven and every muscle in his body is ready to fight. Suddenly an arm slides across his naked chest and Steve curls his body around him, his face pressing close to Bucky’s neck.

“Everything ok?” Steve mumbles against his skin.

Bucky nods, not trusting his voice. Even half in sleep Steve seems to sense his distress and he blinks his eyes open and smiles at Bucky with nothing but love and hope. Bucky sees himself in them, feels calmed and grounded as he gets lost in them. And yet, even now, almost a decade after Hydra fell and he was released, Bucky still feels undeserving of the light in those eyes, as if he was somehow stealing the love that rightfully belongs to that other Bucky Barnes who fell and died in the freezing snow all those years ago. 


End file.
